Wish it wasn't me

I wish it wasn't me who was picked to have the body that doesn't work

I wish it wasn't me who had to suffer pain

I wish it wasn't so darn hard to get through a day.

I'm in a down mood tonight and most of you will know that is not like me at all, jolly by name jolly by nature. Even the most jolly can have a bad day.

I will not bore you to death but I have a few health issues. I have a terrible bad back, arthritis, and fibromyagia, bad knee and very over weight.

I live every day with pain and even though I maintain a happy outside, inside I'm screaming. I keep it well under cover as no one wants to hear someone moan constantly. And I have to be honest I am not sure anyone would hear me. My husband now switches off and I often feel trapped in this bubble . The pain is all day on and off and at night. Every time I move it hurts and it so holds me back from doing so much.

A friend recently went away on a most wonderful holiday. I was delighted for them and looked forward to seeing all her pictures . I was so pleased for her and also wished I could do the same. In reality I know it would not be able to happen. This made me sad as there was so much I hope to do with my life. I want to climb walls, jump from a tall building or drive a fast car. I want to visit different countries and enjoy them. I want to walk and walk and have it never hurt. I want all this and more.

I also would love to be spoiled sometimes and have someone say "Its ok we know what you are going through, we can help" even if its once. When I say I'm not feeling good today rather than no reaction I would like to hear that I am understood.

My life is mostly at home. Its so hard to get out as walking hurts, the weight hurts, life hurts.

Have no fear jollyjilly will return I am sure. Lets put on the mask and smile for the world and hide the pain for another day.

 I wish it wasn't me